Sunday, January 4, 2015

The Real Qur'an SURA 1

The Real Qur'an 

All quotations. "xxxxx" .are the true word of the creator of everything from the first edition of the Qur'an, authored by Allah. Additional notations are for the discerning or confused atheist or theist who wants to know Gods perfect words, but have them explained using ad hoc notation.
All ad hoc notation is to convert new people to the glory of the path toward the one true God. All notes were found on gold plates in my back yard, lucky me. 
(other updated revelations, were given to me by the (arch)Angel Gabriel, during my epileptic seizures, which occurred during my silent reflection time in my modern cave/attic). I am the new and final prophet (Pbume) of the one true God (Pbuh). If you don't like the new version, hell doth await, and remember the idiom: don't blame or shoot the messenger. 


MECCA - 7 Verses

"Praise be to Allah", - for he has billions of galaxies to play with but really insists, infact needs your praise too. So all muslims need only praise more, to show you are a true muslim - perhaps by praising the very fact that Allah made you not as an infidel or apostate. Allah values praise as he opens the best book ever written, the Qur'an, with the implied threat demanding praise, or as I am assured by Allah, it is more of a firm "suggestion" to praise, this may appear self-centred or (boom!) Deity-centric - this is a mistake. Allah earns our praise and he makes mistakes not, as Allah's new messenger I intent to prove why the Bible is corrupt and the Qur'an is better:

"He is Lord of the worlds" 
- Allah is Lord of not just one primate species on one world, called Earth. As the observant reader will notice "world" is in the plural form. Therefore there are more than one world, does this mean he rules Mars or Jupiter (ironically our Lord named the six planets after Roman, heretical, polytheistic Deities, rather than selfishly calling the planets; Allah 1-6* (*there were only 6 known planets in the first edition of the Holy Qur'an ~1300 years ago). Allah's former demand that he be praised as a Lord of worlds can be overlooked as he assures me God correctly had predicted multiple exo-planets in the first edition - for which we also must praise him. Showing his sense of humour he discovered most of these worlds of which he is now Lord of, using the Kepler Space Telescope - named after a Protestant Christian. Again showing his humble, magnanimous and jocular side. From now on the exo-worlds shall be named Allah 9-2000+ though, in order of their discovery by his slaves worshippers.

"The compassionate, the merciful."The hubristic, the sadistic, the polytheistic-God and infidel annihilator. Here God is being ironic or facetious he is all things at all times. If you end up in eternal fire, you have yourself to blame for not praising the:

"King on the day* of reckoning"- overlooking the overt threat of a day of judgment, a minor issue concerning time - (Earth time I assume is implied, on the King's behalf, as Allah seems to have fallen for the false, yet intuitive, and thus understandable erroneous idea that there exists a cosmic or absolute time, also known as Newtonian time, where all clocks tick the same everywhere. Seeing as in the above verse he clearly states he is "Lord of worlds", plural. Therefore we face a contradiction, or Allah tricked us by not revealing the true counter-intuitive Einsteinian relativistic time in the first edition, relativistic time is where "the day" is subjective to the "King" and his favourite apes location, planet or moon etc, and their distance from the effects of gravitation fields speeding or dilating time for an observer, and I take the liberty to assume he uses the Islamic calender, defining a day as how long the Earth takes in (arbitrary) human units to rotate once on its axis, Allah must therefore live somewhere on Earth or a planet with similar mass, spin, axis tilt and sun/planet relationship. The compassionate Allah asks that:

"Thee only do we worship, and to thee do we cry for help".- God again stresses the importance of knowing your lowly place, as a slave or serf, which naturally would make one cry for help from his sadistic, Dear Leader style demand for endless praise and worship, while demanding he be called merciful simultaneously. The slave owner and slave have a love and dependency partnership, God has established a sado-masochistic motif early in his Holy Qur'an

"Guide Thou us on the straight path".
-Allah is Reasonable, but here God seems to make us all slaves by implying his omnipotence and ability to alter human free will, unless the primate in question is walking on the vague yet perfectly straight path. (paved roads were not exactly ubiquitous when Allah penned his verbatim perfect first edition, implying "Hamlet" or "The Karamazov Brothers" and other books are superfluous. God cannot change his original words sent 'down' to the prophet muhammad, so he uses me, to make 21st century adjustments, ad hoc notations so our Holy Qur'an can be shown as true, whilst solving all existential questions for his favourite hominid, on his tenth favourite world (in his favourite Galaxy).

"The path of those to whom Thou hast been gracious" thats us! Herd us, oh mighty Yahweh 3.0
"with whom thou art not angry, and who go not astray."
- Do as the boss says, and you will be fine!  or will you...


Next SURA 2 - The Cow (Moo!)

Thanks, notes by Gods new (but not as glorious or expansionist) Messenger.
Author of important points by Allah hu Akbar. Copyright 15th century.


  1. This just in, a news bulletin from Yahweh, Yeshua, Allah or Ha Satan, the same thing, really.

    Hear me, hear me one and ALL! Yahweh (me) was just kidding about the fire in hell, it's hot a few days in the summer, and as for it being forever, when I'm in a bad mood I say shit and then regret it, but don't want to ruin my reputation.

    Sometimes I get very jealous and angry too, but that's my prerogative, right?

    Now, everyone, I mean EVERYONE, say 'YES GOD, you're right, you're always right!' O.K., I heard that sarcastic tone, now one more time! O.K.that's better!

    One more thing, I'm feeling good right now so forget about the Mosaic law stuff, just try to get along and quit telling everyone 'my god is the only true god' that really annoys me!

    Oh, and the guys claiming miracles, they're full of shit, only I can perform them, and evolution is real, humans are far far older than 6000 years, that one had me laughing for years!

    You guys will buy anything, well, most of you! If I have any more to tell you, you'll know it's really me, because you know bullshit when you hear it, right?
    Everyone, say RIGHT GOD!

    O.K., that's it for now, don't forget what I've said!

  2. lol thanks,
    ps. in future please send messages to the prophet (pbume) via the angel Gabriel - Allah's bitch messenger.